PowerPoint

I've often ranted about PowerPoint. Well, not ranted, just randomly inserted insults about it in posts.

However, I do, indeed, think it's one of the most insidious, overused, blighting tools of modern society. It appears that some might agree based upon a wikipedia entry (and we know how THOSE are expert), but, still.

It was originally developed for Macintosh which, right there, makes it suspect. Bought by Microsoft. Suspect. Yada yada yada.

Everybody MUST have a PPT now. And that PPT must have excessive text on each slide, defeating the purpose of its use. You have a memo with attachments. You have a speaker. Just read and listen. READ and LISTEN. It's a concept that, I think, helped civilization move past throwing bones in a bowl. Do NOT have 50 slides in your presentation, especially if you're one of five presentations.

Humans, as advanced (and I say that jokingly) as they are, aren't capable of higher critical thinking after about 20 minutes of sitting on their ass watching a fucking PPT.

I think it's a conspiracy.

The way-my platform

My platform is constructed of mahogany, burnished to a dull glow, emitting vibes of happy. And if you don't support it I shall strew splinters of rotting cedar deck upon you.

• Ribs all around. Dry rub is preferred, but sauce will be allowed as an adjunct. No boiled ribs. If you boil ribs I'll implement an executive order to banish you to Wisconsin. And I can do that because I lived there and I had to eat fucking boiled ribs.

• Fuckwit registry. A mandatory "do not be a fuckwit" registry will be established and if you're on it you cannot be anywhere I am.

• Non-invasive chin lifts. I don't give a rat's ass about eye bags or crow's feet, but this under chin wattle bullshit is unacceptable. It will carry a $100 deductible and include a pair of funky earrings.

• Detainment of anyone who espouses a slogan referencing fixing the economy, healthcare system, tort system, reduction of defense of the US, abolishment of businesses and requiring my cents (notice I said cents and not dollars because that's what we're all coming down to) to be redistributed to them, without a valid thought-out program for actually carrying it out, and you ain't redistributing anything I got anyway so that one's a no-goer, to a disgusting toilet looking room from a Saw movie. Shake it off. Clear your mind and grow the fuck up and take notes and grow up. Enjoy the voice from the speaker system.

• You must kiss my ass because I am asskisserworthy. And my arms look better than Michelle's and I don't go sleeveless in midwinter because no normal person does. Or, in air conditioning. Or wear sweaters that Hello Kitty threw away when she grew up. Bless her heart.

• Whack-a-mole those who talk about border problems when it's convenient and then act SURPRISED! when cartels establish their hives on actual American's land and wonder why people are getting a bit...peeved.

•  Free bunionectomies and accompanying strappy sandals for those who appreciate strappy sandals and kitten heels and slides. 

• Outlaw PowerPoint presentations because they are destroying our civilization. I'm not kidding. I wouldn't lie. Or at least insert some weirdass animation in them to wake people up and get them on track again.

• Muzzle Susan Sarandon, Joe Biden, Sean Hannity, Ron Paul, the Won, Hollywood, Congress, former presidents, former presidential advisors, commentators and pretty much everyone else so that when they speak they have to make a real hard extra effort to get their points across. And we can then laugh at them because they're muzzled and sound garbled like they are. I'm an equal opportunity muzzler and realize there are more to be muzzled.

Pray. Because, hoo boy, we need it.

You WILL assimilate

Beep doot doot doot beep. Greetings from a strange land. I am a stranger.
Captain Kangaroo did TOO have orange hair! Google him up!
That sounded totally perverted.

The Bible that the elder guy was reading was bound in some sort of reptilian skin stuff.


Beep doot doot doot beep. It appears that the lizards that seem to have popped out of the plane passengers' heads and have overtaken me/us/we/they were beep doot doot doot beepers. I believe it's the remnant reptile of a group of Thetan castoffs who missed the mountain, and, well, then it got a concussion from the whiplash. Or maybe it rammed into an iceberg. Mushrooms much?

He did TOO have orange hair.

Occupy walls beep doot doot doot beep.

Travel log

Paducah was lovely. The wedding was great. Everybody had a fabu time catching up and meeting new people and watching football from a really cool loft and hearing about bridesmaids getting shitfaced. The usual.

Lemme tell you about the flight to Nashville though.

Our plane was an Embraer, one of the dinky puddle jumpers that seem to get dinkier and dinkier. And gloomier and gloomier. We were in the line to get in the plane and had gate checked our bags when the young, frighteningly pale black-suit-wearing being in front of us, who also was wearing a name badge that said "Elder," turned to us with a terrified look on his face. "Are we supposed to leave all of our carry ons out here?"

? Not a seasoned traveler I believe. I questioned his human provenance, actually.

So as we entered the doorway we were greeted by a short, stout, jolly pockmarked gent who looked like Captain Kangaroo. No. Really., Thick orange hair. Glinting maniacal eyes. Crooked smile. This was the flight attendant. Mr. Froth turned back to me and I kept a stoic demeanor. I did. And then we looked into the plane and I swear it was three feet wide and DARK.

We inched our way down to our seats, passing two "pats" (you know, SNL "Pats") who were both shaved, multiply pierced and deaf, just signing away. I figured they were calling us all dirty names like "bourgeoisie" and "noisy if we could hear them."

We sat across from the skinny elder boy in the black suit. He pulled out a weirdly bound Bible looking book and read the whole way.

The flight attendant had a very thick Spanish accent and wore a sign that said he was an IAM representative. They're pushing dog food? Then I realized that's not how it's spelled, so, well, what is IAM? He didn't charge us for our cocktails, though. I think he liked us. Which is a good thing because we both felt that we were on a Lost episodic plane or that lizards would start emerging from peoples' heads in flight.

I told Mr. Froth that I loved him and to be strong against the aliens in the event they got me first.

Off to the wilds of Kentucky for another wedding

Nephew is getting married and Mr. Froth is missing the OU/Texas football game. Which he has not let us forget. Good times will be had.